Signs of life

from Deon Greeff, 4 May 2007

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING — BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR — THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

from Christer Lidén, 11 May 1998

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a used car lot: "Second-hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

In a dry cleaner's: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a beauty shop: "Dye now!"

On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

from John Breakwell, 24 February 1995

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."

On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. — Sisters of Mercy."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center."

In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses — no waiting."

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."

In a Tacoma, Washington, men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits — $10.00 — They won't last an hour!"

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."

In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door ajar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."

In downtown Boston: "Callahan Tunnel/No. End."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."

On a movie marquee: "Now Playing: Adam and Eve with a cast of thousands!"

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On the grounds of a private school: "No trespassing without permission."

In a library: "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."

On a Tennessee highway: "Take Notice: When this sign is under water the road is impassable."

from John Breakwell, 4 October 1994

From the Upper River Road in Pitkin County, Colorado comes this warning. And while the spelling may be far from perfect, the message comes through loud and clear:

"Trespasurz will be persequted to the full ekstent uf one mungrel dog that wuz never soshable to stranjers and one duble barel shotgun that ain't loaded with sofa pillars Damn if we ain't tired uv this hell raisin on our place"